After a bout with his Psychology test Thomas headed home. It was getting late. His thoughts drifted between Maslow and Pavlov, then to the puppy from the paint store that morning. He could have sword that its eyes nearly popped out when its owner squeezed it into silence. Sometimes it felt like college was like a make-up heavy old woman. Any original thoughts or sparks of creativity are squeezed into oblivion due to the mounting pressure of mid-terms, papers, homework, and a part-time job, not to mention a roller-coaster relationship with a girl who's mood changed as often as Thomas got hungry.
Hunger.
I'm hungry again.
Burrito Tuesday.
The thought brought a smile to his face.
Then a different. Why couldn't he share burrito Tuesday with Sara. He loved her, and yet he didn't share some of the simplest things in life with her. The things that made him smile.
She hates burritos.
She hates Mexican food.
She doesn't even like taco salad if it has the tiniest bit of salsa on it.
Do we have anything in common?
Anything at all?
Thomas thought about that as he walked. He tried to think of the last time he and Sara actually had a conversation about something other than being in school. They shared the same major - sports psychology. In fact, that is how they met. Thomas thought it was so cool that there was a girl taking the same sports psychology classes that he was. It didn't hurt that her blonde hair and California tan made her a real head turner. The first day of class that semester he decided that she would be his girlfriend. The first time they kissed he couldn't feel his feet he was so excited. That was back in September. Now, the first week of December, and he couldn't feel his feet because of the snow. Sara was still California tan, which come to find out was due to her weekly fake bake, something she wouldn't miss for anything, even an impromptu celebratory afternoon date after Thomas got accepted for the internship of his dreams. Sometimes she hurt him.
Sometimes it feels like I love her. Other times it feels like I've been standing all day on a hard floor with nowhere to sit down.
That night, after burrito Tuesday he dropped by Sara's apartment to say hi. She had her hair pulled up in a pony-tail, a U sweatshirt on and a pair of fitted sweat pants. Something about her casualness was so attractive. Somehow she turned frumpy into fashion. Just looking at her sent a fire through Thomas' whole being, a desire pull her into his arms and hold her close, ignoring the bustle of life around them.
Hi.
Hey, What are you doing here?
I thought it was burrito Tuesday?
It certainly smells like burrito Tuesday...
The fluttering in Thomas' stomach turned to repulsion as the look on Sara's face twisted. He stepped into her apartment with some lame excuse about how he just wanted to see her tonight and could they maybe work on their homework together. A bit put out, Sara grudgingly agreed. She had grown to enjoy a night to relax by herself instead of having to stay in character while around her boyfriend. The two sat down and ended up watching tv rather than doing homework. Thomas took Sara's left hand while she flipped through the channels with the remote in her right hand.
A sadness loomed over his mind when he held her hand. He yearned to hold her, but the hand was all she ever made available. Even that felt reluctant. Not in the way she held his hand back, but in how she kissed him and the ways she never leaned her head on his shoulder during a movie. They spoke of love and more. He gazed upon her familiar face, never really knowing who she was. Both clinging onto what they hoped the other would someday become, denying the facts so plainly displayed in their lack of mutual affection. Even in his yearning there was illusion.
By now they were both pretending and only holding on for convenience and fear of solitude. What they had both fallen in love with was companionship and acceptance, not each other. Thomas knew it. Sara knew it. The unspoken agreement was finally being divulged tonight. They sat next to each other, stiff and afraid of what was next. The tragedy had begun when they deceived themselves and spoke the too often uttered words of love. They spent their kisses like carnival tickets. It is difficult to part with a friend you have suffered so much with, someone you have been through hell with. In this case, however, goodbye was their only gateway to the solitude that breeds joy and life. And so they said goodbye. He left her crying on the couch. Through her sobbing she obligatorily cried out one last time, don't go! and though he didn't leave the room right then, his heart had been gone for some time. A consoling arm and comforting embrace from a distant heart only adds to the pain. And yet, they were somehow closer in separation than all the days of their supposed love. Truth be told, he loved with a wholeness unmatched and unmeasured. Truth be told, it wasn't for her. She had intercepted his emotions for a time and now, realizing the farce, he had to move on.
Asleep that night, tangled in his sheets and faint dreams, his phone rang. He hadn't changed the personalized ring tone yet and the familiar sound that had always precluded their conversations made its way through the darkness. There was the temptation to let it go. Her voice was void of sadness. She knew it was late; that he was in bed was a forgone conclusion. Could she please see him just once more. The late night darkness overshadowed his judgment and he made his way against the chilly wind to her. Her silhouetted figure stood shivering in the breeze. An embrace, a look of passion in her eyes, a look that had been absent since the night they first kissed. They talked softly in the aftermath, both knowing this meeting was more a time for apologies than hope. Apologies for never having loved; apologies for not sitting facing, cheek to cheek, holding each others hearts. Appreciation for granting a vision of what it could mean to truly be whole through another; a vision yet to be made completely clear until the haze would begin to settle.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Part I
It was all dark at first. The haze settling thick, much like awaking from a dream in the early morning and not being sure if what you see is real or just an extension of a floating nighttime vision. All Thomas saw was an impression, a first impression. She looked kind. She was the one little children run to when they scrape their knees and they can't find their mom. Thomas did not then realize that when the haze lifted it would leave behind insurmountable pain. He walked away from her after their brief exchange thumbing the keys in his pocket. It would take about 10 minutes to walk home, another 30 to eat, shower and be out the door to make it to work on time. Life was leaving an unsettled aftertaste lately. Work classes girlfriend sleep. Often sleep was interrupted by said girlfriend. Oh, they loved each other, the way one loves a car that constantly breaks down; great when its running and cursed when it leaves you on the side of the road. Her name was Sara. The relationship wasn’t a junker, yet, perhaps it was just time for a trade-in. But how do you just trade-in someone you love like that. Despite being stranded roadside here and there he could never forget her or the joy they shared. Even behind the wheel of a newer model you never forget the feel of past loves. The memories forever protected by the junkyard dogs.
Thomas got home in 8 minutes flat. As he walked in the door he nearly collided with his roommate who was in a rush to Calculus class. The glasses that were perched beneath a blossoming uni-brow must have been what made the difference. In elementary school Thomas had wanted glasses-- convinced his IQ would consequently soar through the roof. Cursed 20/20 vision he thought as his mother pulled him from the showcase of frames. Already he had the perfect ones picked out. Light and wire-rimmed. A sharp, intelligent look. It seemed to him that he already knew all the answers on an upcoming test. And now, 15 years later, there wasn't a math bone in his body; cursed 20/20 vision. Often he regretted not cheating on the eye test, faking the last line, maybe even the last two for emphasis' sake. Oh the genius that could have been! Now it was up to the Lyle Cormwicks of the world to fight terrorism with equations and derivatives. They smiled and greeted one another in passing. They would rehash the events of the day later in front of the fishbowl on the coffee table, no doubt through mouthfuls of their traditional Tuesday night microwavable burritos.
Thomas mechanically ate, showered, and got dressed for work, all the while there was a cloud settling over his mind. Something was tugging at his unconscious, something was nestling itself into the folds of his future, he was changing.
The paint fumes at work left him feeling dizzy. He mostly just delivered it to local contractors, got their signatures and drove off to the next job site for the next delivery. However, sometimes when there weren't many deliveries to make, Thomas got to hang around the store and mix paint to match colors. That afternoon a plump old woman came into the store, her eccentric makeup enough to pass as a Joker look-a-like. Tucked partly under her arm and partly into a folded stomach roll was a puppy. It chirped all the way to the front desk until a not so gentle squeeze quieted its bark. She set the pup on the counter and then came her request, in full blown smoker's rumble, scratchy voice and all,
I need some paint for my puppy dog's room. Its gotta match her coat.... exactly!
What a time for the real employees to either be on their lunch break or humming softly, waiting to finish their business in the commode. Thomas wanted to tell her that he just delivers the stuff off, that he wasn't a technician. Her tone, however, didn't imply she was ready to be patient with the likes of a twenty-something year old college kid.
So to match a color you have to physically take a sample of it, i.e. a chip of paint, strip of cloth or maybe even a chunk of something unidentifiable. You take the sample and place it beneath a scanner that is connected to a computer. Special computer software analyzes the components of the sample and produces a recipe of sorts, a type of chemical equation that can be followed to make the match. The paint technician then selects the right base paint, be it a semi-gloss or flat paint, gloss or satin, then he adds a specific number of drops of tint according to the recipe. Finally, the tech will put the container of paint in the mixer. The mixer clutches the bucket and shakes it like a seven year old trying to get that last nickel out of the piggy bank. The whole process is quite scientific and yet relatively simple thanks to the software. However, there is a great deal of experience needed to make a perfect match. Often, the recipe will get it close, but the technician has to add a dab of this and a drop of that to get it just right. Not exactly something the delivery boy has actually been successful at before.
And there he sat; just hoping the phone wouldn't ring, holding down the fort until the real technicians returned from their various mid-afternoon distractions and in walks the Joker and her little dog too. Match the paint to the mutt’s fur?!? He screamed so loud in his mind that his ears were ringing. What did she expect me to do? Hold that rat under the scanner? Yank a chunk of its fur out and analyze it with a magnifying glass? Absurd requests always seem to find their way to my plate. He tried to stare her down, in hopes that an extended glare would somehow send the telepathic message that she was insane and persuade her pick up her puppy and leave. It must be all that make-up sinking into her skin, he thought, absorbed through her pores, stream-lined to the blood and sent gushing to her brain that makes her so intolerable. Then a stroke of genius:
What kind of base did you want that in?
A semi-gloss.
I'll be right back; we keep our semi-glosses in the back of the store.
He escaped to the back to wait for Batman to come to the rescue. Luckily a co-worker returned within about five minutes, still humming his tune. He eyed the dog momentarily and whipped up a concoction with some tints and a semi-gloss stored right next to the front desk. He told Thomas to put it the shaker while he scratched the dog behind ears and made small talk with the villainous old woman. I just drive he kept thinking to myself. I just drive.
Thomas clocked out and headed back to campus. He was on his way to the testing center for the psychology mid-term. He began to review in his mind the material he had been studying that morning. His thoughts plodded from one thing to another. Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the pyramid shape they formed, the Egyptian head drawn in the margin of the girl's notes he had borrowed. Her smile and gracious aura when he returned them to her a half hour before he left for work earlier that day. The haze was thinning.
Thomas got home in 8 minutes flat. As he walked in the door he nearly collided with his roommate who was in a rush to Calculus class. The glasses that were perched beneath a blossoming uni-brow must have been what made the difference. In elementary school Thomas had wanted glasses-- convinced his IQ would consequently soar through the roof. Cursed 20/20 vision he thought as his mother pulled him from the showcase of frames. Already he had the perfect ones picked out. Light and wire-rimmed. A sharp, intelligent look. It seemed to him that he already knew all the answers on an upcoming test. And now, 15 years later, there wasn't a math bone in his body; cursed 20/20 vision. Often he regretted not cheating on the eye test, faking the last line, maybe even the last two for emphasis' sake. Oh the genius that could have been! Now it was up to the Lyle Cormwicks of the world to fight terrorism with equations and derivatives. They smiled and greeted one another in passing. They would rehash the events of the day later in front of the fishbowl on the coffee table, no doubt through mouthfuls of their traditional Tuesday night microwavable burritos.
Thomas mechanically ate, showered, and got dressed for work, all the while there was a cloud settling over his mind. Something was tugging at his unconscious, something was nestling itself into the folds of his future, he was changing.
The paint fumes at work left him feeling dizzy. He mostly just delivered it to local contractors, got their signatures and drove off to the next job site for the next delivery. However, sometimes when there weren't many deliveries to make, Thomas got to hang around the store and mix paint to match colors. That afternoon a plump old woman came into the store, her eccentric makeup enough to pass as a Joker look-a-like. Tucked partly under her arm and partly into a folded stomach roll was a puppy. It chirped all the way to the front desk until a not so gentle squeeze quieted its bark. She set the pup on the counter and then came her request, in full blown smoker's rumble, scratchy voice and all,
I need some paint for my puppy dog's room. Its gotta match her coat.... exactly!
What a time for the real employees to either be on their lunch break or humming softly, waiting to finish their business in the commode. Thomas wanted to tell her that he just delivers the stuff off, that he wasn't a technician. Her tone, however, didn't imply she was ready to be patient with the likes of a twenty-something year old college kid.
So to match a color you have to physically take a sample of it, i.e. a chip of paint, strip of cloth or maybe even a chunk of something unidentifiable. You take the sample and place it beneath a scanner that is connected to a computer. Special computer software analyzes the components of the sample and produces a recipe of sorts, a type of chemical equation that can be followed to make the match. The paint technician then selects the right base paint, be it a semi-gloss or flat paint, gloss or satin, then he adds a specific number of drops of tint according to the recipe. Finally, the tech will put the container of paint in the mixer. The mixer clutches the bucket and shakes it like a seven year old trying to get that last nickel out of the piggy bank. The whole process is quite scientific and yet relatively simple thanks to the software. However, there is a great deal of experience needed to make a perfect match. Often, the recipe will get it close, but the technician has to add a dab of this and a drop of that to get it just right. Not exactly something the delivery boy has actually been successful at before.
And there he sat; just hoping the phone wouldn't ring, holding down the fort until the real technicians returned from their various mid-afternoon distractions and in walks the Joker and her little dog too. Match the paint to the mutt’s fur?!? He screamed so loud in his mind that his ears were ringing. What did she expect me to do? Hold that rat under the scanner? Yank a chunk of its fur out and analyze it with a magnifying glass? Absurd requests always seem to find their way to my plate. He tried to stare her down, in hopes that an extended glare would somehow send the telepathic message that she was insane and persuade her pick up her puppy and leave. It must be all that make-up sinking into her skin, he thought, absorbed through her pores, stream-lined to the blood and sent gushing to her brain that makes her so intolerable. Then a stroke of genius:
What kind of base did you want that in?
A semi-gloss.
I'll be right back; we keep our semi-glosses in the back of the store.
He escaped to the back to wait for Batman to come to the rescue. Luckily a co-worker returned within about five minutes, still humming his tune. He eyed the dog momentarily and whipped up a concoction with some tints and a semi-gloss stored right next to the front desk. He told Thomas to put it the shaker while he scratched the dog behind ears and made small talk with the villainous old woman. I just drive he kept thinking to myself. I just drive.
Thomas clocked out and headed back to campus. He was on his way to the testing center for the psychology mid-term. He began to review in his mind the material he had been studying that morning. His thoughts plodded from one thing to another. Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the pyramid shape they formed, the Egyptian head drawn in the margin of the girl's notes he had borrowed. Her smile and gracious aura when he returned them to her a half hour before he left for work earlier that day. The haze was thinning.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Too Crowded For Emptiness
My phone rang in the middle night.
It sits right beside my head so I can shut off the alarm as soon as possible.
Dreams sometimes envelop the reality around your bed.
The ringing phone, for example, became the song I was listening to while chasing the robber out of a fish tank. Well, I suppose I was swimming after the robber. For all I know I was probably flying after the robber with wings made of loose imagination. Nevertheless, the phone was ringing. The urgency I felt to catch the criminal made me ignore the music and continue my pursuit. Then, my conscious brain wrapped it's fingers around the dream and squeezed it until I realized that there was no robber, no fish tank. Now there was only the caller who was robbing me of my sleep.
I threw back the blankets in a hurry; I didn't want the caller to think they had woken me up by letting it ring too long. Too late. 1 missed call. Who could it have been? Should I bother looking? Doesn't matter who it is, I'm not calling back until morning anyway... Unless its an emergency. Then maybe I should check... just in case it is an emergency... In case maybe.. it was the robber.. fishing wings.. of swim tank...
1 New Voicemail!
I'm awake again...
I suppose it wouldn't hurt to just listen to the voicemail, figure out who it is, and then decide if it can wait until morning.
The automated voice blared momentarily, "You have one unheard message."
So I've heard.
"Message one:"
The blood in my veins stopped instantly. I knew this voice. Soft and familiar. It had once brought tears to my eyes. Symphonies have been written trying to match its melody, yet fallen short. And now is my dream-soaked mind fabricating this too? Will the fish tank suddenly implode and turn into jello squares that recite poetry from prison? This isn't my mind. This is reality. This is music. Or perhaps pain. The last time I heard this voice it was pain. The sharpness of it still fresh in the muscle memory of my heart. Still trained to skip a beat when I hear the voice, in an effort to spare the pain.
"Hello. I know you must be asleep... Its been a long time since we talked last. I've talked myself out of this for a long time now. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have called... I understand if you don't return this call... I
I need to tell you something. I won't be able to sleep until we can talk... Just for a few minutes... I know... I'm sorry. Please call me back."
Just like that. Back into my life. Her last plea drifted back and forth in my mind like a feather in the breeze, not coming to rest, just rocking back and forth. I'd rather it had been a dream. I'd rather not live this reality. The soft melodies are replaced now. Instead of summer symphonies, winter coats stained from the dirty snow covered roadsides. My life is different now, there is no room for past mistakes. It's too crowded for the emptiness.
It sits right beside my head so I can shut off the alarm as soon as possible.
Dreams sometimes envelop the reality around your bed.
The ringing phone, for example, became the song I was listening to while chasing the robber out of a fish tank. Well, I suppose I was swimming after the robber. For all I know I was probably flying after the robber with wings made of loose imagination. Nevertheless, the phone was ringing. The urgency I felt to catch the criminal made me ignore the music and continue my pursuit. Then, my conscious brain wrapped it's fingers around the dream and squeezed it until I realized that there was no robber, no fish tank. Now there was only the caller who was robbing me of my sleep.
I threw back the blankets in a hurry; I didn't want the caller to think they had woken me up by letting it ring too long. Too late. 1 missed call. Who could it have been? Should I bother looking? Doesn't matter who it is, I'm not calling back until morning anyway... Unless its an emergency. Then maybe I should check... just in case it is an emergency... In case maybe.. it was the robber.. fishing wings.. of swim tank...
1 New Voicemail!
I'm awake again...
I suppose it wouldn't hurt to just listen to the voicemail, figure out who it is, and then decide if it can wait until morning.
The automated voice blared momentarily, "You have one unheard message."
So I've heard.
"Message one:"
The blood in my veins stopped instantly. I knew this voice. Soft and familiar. It had once brought tears to my eyes. Symphonies have been written trying to match its melody, yet fallen short. And now is my dream-soaked mind fabricating this too? Will the fish tank suddenly implode and turn into jello squares that recite poetry from prison? This isn't my mind. This is reality. This is music. Or perhaps pain. The last time I heard this voice it was pain. The sharpness of it still fresh in the muscle memory of my heart. Still trained to skip a beat when I hear the voice, in an effort to spare the pain.
"Hello. I know you must be asleep... Its been a long time since we talked last. I've talked myself out of this for a long time now. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have called... I understand if you don't return this call... I
I need to tell you something. I won't be able to sleep until we can talk... Just for a few minutes... I know... I'm sorry. Please call me back."
Just like that. Back into my life. Her last plea drifted back and forth in my mind like a feather in the breeze, not coming to rest, just rocking back and forth. I'd rather it had been a dream. I'd rather not live this reality. The soft melodies are replaced now. Instead of summer symphonies, winter coats stained from the dirty snow covered roadsides. My life is different now, there is no room for past mistakes. It's too crowded for the emptiness.
Monday, June 15, 2009
The Inner Side of Expression
On the eve of the explosion, in the quietness, there was a thirst for noise.
The universe needed a Big Bang.
There was too much nothing and the void needed something .
The emptiness was intended to be filled, the galaxy dust yearned to spread its arms around space. Absence was intolerable. The void invited the bang.
Without the void there would have been no Big Bang.
Without the Big Bang there would have been no void.
Now embracing one another, their beauty spattered across the sky.
Stars clamour back and forth sharing their affection publicly.
The darkness only visible as it hugs the bright satellites.
The contrast evokes character and smiles.
Looking up into a dark night sky
The fireworks stuck to the ceiling and the moon looking on with one eye shut.
One can't help but to read the stories on display.
To see the action, the drama and romance.
You reach out to insert yourself into the plot,
Unify with the Universe.
The universe needed a Big Bang.
There was too much nothing and the void needed something .
The emptiness was intended to be filled, the galaxy dust yearned to spread its arms around space. Absence was intolerable. The void invited the bang.
Without the void there would have been no Big Bang.
Without the Big Bang there would have been no void.
Now embracing one another, their beauty spattered across the sky.
Stars clamour back and forth sharing their affection publicly.
The darkness only visible as it hugs the bright satellites.
The contrast evokes character and smiles.
Looking up into a dark night sky
The fireworks stuck to the ceiling and the moon looking on with one eye shut.
One can't help but to read the stories on display.
To see the action, the drama and romance.
You reach out to insert yourself into the plot,
Unify with the Universe.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'm Quite Poetic as I Dream
Third time is a charm, a lucky charm; which means you should have 3 bowls of cereal for breakfast before taking a test or before requiring luck, ever. How lucky do you have to be? Or do coincidences count? Coincidences have taught me a lot about luck. Coincidentally, luck has taught me a lot about nothing. Consider this irony:
I met a girl I didn't know
yet loved her my whole soul over
She was the silhouette of my desires
and from her hand
came the brush strokes
of my dreams.
The shadow cast then darkened
the painting in my mind
and when the light shone bright again the flowers had wilted dry
Once bright petals
faded remain
a reminder of what was
Again I met a girl I didn't know
and she loved more than I returned
in her eyes
I painted beauty and danced true joy
she hung on my every word
Illusions were the medicine
healing both our hearts
Both seeing what we wanted
and believing what we saw
Another petal hits the ground
it bursts into darker colors
Two
Loves
are hung on brittle hopes
Neither recompensing
Whose love will last
or be dispelled?
Both go on un-squelshed
and pending
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Is there something lucky about love? Fortunate? Even coincidental? Ironical?
Tell me what causes it.
I met a girl I didn't know
yet loved her my whole soul over
She was the silhouette of my desires
and from her hand
came the brush strokes
of my dreams.
The shadow cast then darkened
the painting in my mind
and when the light shone bright again the flowers had wilted dry
Once bright petals
faded remain
a reminder of what was
Again I met a girl I didn't know
and she loved more than I returned
in her eyes
I painted beauty and danced true joy
she hung on my every word
Illusions were the medicine
healing both our hearts
Both seeing what we wanted
and believing what we saw
Another petal hits the ground
it bursts into darker colors
Two
Loves
are hung on brittle hopes
Neither recompensing
Whose love will last
or be dispelled?
Both go on un-squelshed
and pending
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Is there something lucky about love? Fortunate? Even coincidental? Ironical?
Tell me what causes it.
Chinese Poem
天星
每夜中眺於星旻
星漸次諸創杳晨
吾之來夢杳星同
夜中來去一時賓
하늘의 별
밤마다 하늘의 별을 바라보고 있어
별은 하나하나 새벽 빛에 사라진다
나의 미래의 꿈은 마찬가진데
밤에 갔다오는 일시적 소님이다
Stars that fade
Each night I gaze to heaven
Slowly, the stars disappear by morning
So with my dreams of the future
They come and go as a visitor in the night
每夜中眺於星旻
星漸次諸創杳晨
吾之來夢杳星同
夜中來去一時賓
하늘의 별
밤마다 하늘의 별을 바라보고 있어
별은 하나하나 새벽 빛에 사라진다
나의 미래의 꿈은 마찬가진데
밤에 갔다오는 일시적 소님이다
Stars that fade
Each night I gaze to heaven
Slowly, the stars disappear by morning
So with my dreams of the future
They come and go as a visitor in the night
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Loving betrayal
I sat in the barber shop this morning waiting for a haircut. It's been a little over a month and my hair was getting annoyingly long and shaggy. Just to the length where it falls awkwardly down my forehead and the disheveled sides scraggle over my ears, the grey hairs showing through just slightly. The grey hairs are the primary signal that a cut is in order; a fresh cut burying them away for at least another three or four weeks. There was a man sitting in the chair engaged in conversation with the barber. He was in his mid to late thirties, balding slightly with glasses. The barber called him by name as they chatted. His clear blue eyes spoke to me the moment I saw him. There was character in his eyes, a kind purity in them. They talked comfortably with one another; starting with pleasantries, moving to recent comings and goings and then something unexpected. The barber asked about Sarah. Rob's eyes moistened. As he spoke, his eyes seemed to be doing the talking, articulating his every emotion. This was clearly unexpected for the barber as well. The elevated chair, smell of shaving cream and pictures of hot rods hanging on the walls certainly wasn't the place most men, if any, talked about their feelings.
Sarah is two and half years old. She shares her father’s clear blue eyes and bright smile. Like clouds surrounding a rainbow her blonde hair with its darker roots lies softly on her head and falls gently down the sides of her face. She is full of life and into everything. Her mother, frequently reprimanding her for making messes throughout the house, reluctantly scolds her. The innocence in her face cries for mercy. What does a mother say? She wraps up her precious daughter in a loving hug and helps her clean up the mess. A child at this age knows only two things, smiles and tears. There is no greater joy to a parent than to arouse one of those toothy smiles accompanied by an excited giggle. Conversely, you avoid at all costs anything that would tug the tears from those wide, trusting eyes.
Rob’s misty eyes silenced the barber shop. Clearly the barber’s friendly inquiry had incited an unexpected response.
Rob began, “Sarah has had a rough past couple of weeks. She came down with a fever about 3 weeks ago. We took her to the doctor and got some medicine for her. The pediatrician said that she would back to her boisterous self by the end of the week.”
“So what happened?” asked the barber.
“Well, turns out that Sarah is allergic to the medicine we got from the doctor.”
A single tear streamed down his cheek. The guys sitting, waiting for cuts with me sat rigid in their seats. Rob paused in an effort to gather himself.
He continued, “We gave her the medicine and put her to bed. I woke up the next morning and went to work. I had just pulled into the parking lot at the office when my wife called me. I couldn’t understand her at first, her voice was frantic and muffled by tears. I tried calming her. Finally, she spoke clearly. She told me that when she went to wake up Sarah she wasn’t breathing, her face was bluish…”
He broke off again. His emotions were full in his throat, choking out his words. Now there were more than just a few tears coming down his cheeks. The love for his daughter was evident in his tear filled eyes. The barber reached over to the counter and grabbed some tissues. Handing them to Rob he put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him and said quietly, “It’s alright Rob, take your time friend.”
Rob wiped his eyes and cheeks. He put on a brave smile to hide his embarrassment. He cleared his throat and continued, “Thanks Bud. Her face had turned blue and my wife didn’t know what to do. So I rushed home and we raced her to the emergency room. Luckily they were able to resuscitate her quickly before she had any brain damage.”
“That’s a relief!” the barber interrupted.
“I thank God that she’s still alive. At the hospital the doctor informed us of the allergy and told us that they put her in the ICU just to be safe. We expected Sarah to bounce back after a few days in the hospital but after two days things took a turn for the worse.”
“No.”
“The doctors were sure to check her for various other allergies and to be certain that in helping her out of the allergic reaction they didn’t trigger any new reactions. The problem was that they misdiagnosed her fever. Turns out it wasn’t just a regular fever.”
“What was it Rob?”
“I’m not exactly sure, some kind of virus. It started out in her stomach and then it spread. For a week the doctors couldn’t figure it out. My poor Sarah, lying in bed, looked at me one day and asked why her whole body hurt so much. Those trusting little eyes couldn’t hide the pain. She cried often during that week. The blue in her eyes nearly overwhelmed by the surging red from the constant crying. I had to look at my baby girl, and just put my arms around her. I couldn’t say anything to her that she would understand. The doctor walked in at the end of the week with his chart in hand. He told us the nurse would be in soon to administer some medication that would eradicate all of Sarah’s problems. They had finally pinned down the exact virus and had something that would clear everything up.”
“So she’s fine now, huh?”
“Well, she’s back home now; smiling as much as ever, but I’ll tell you what, the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life happened when that nurse walked into that small hospital room.”
“What happened?”
“My little girl was lying there, holding onto my hand, still red-eyed and scared. The nurse asked her to roll over on her side. She clenched my hand with her little fingers. Her lips were trembling and her eyes begged me to make everything better. I reached down and helped her roll over. She squeezed tighter and some tears of fear started to well up. The nurse pulled out a large needle and bent down to stick my baby. When Sarah saw the needle she cried out. Her screaming pierced me to the center. I wanted to step in front of the nurse, grab the needle and throw it out the window. I wanted to literally shove the nurse down or push her out of the room. What was she trying to do?? Could she not see past her nurses uniform or name tag? Sharon Hicks?? Couldn't she hear my little angel screaming in terror?? Sarah was squeezing my hand so tightly. Her little voice ran shrill as the nurse punctured her skin. She screamed out, ‘Daddy!’ and tears flooded the small hospital pillow. She cried endlessly, her sobs echoing through the small room, betrayal in every choked breath. How could I do this to her, those blue eyes were pleading for an answer. After all the pain she had felt the past week, the trauma, and now I stood by and let a stranger stab her. She rolled over, burying her face in the bed, betrayed by the only faces she really even recognizes, the ones she used to trust. How could she understand that in order to overcome all the pain of the previous week and a half she had to endure this momentary prick? There was no way to tell her, no way to make it better for the teary-eyed beautiful blonde baby of mine.”
The barber placed his hand on Rob’s shoulder. He was in tears again. The barber wiped a tear off of his own cheek. I could see the internal agony surfacing again; the struggle within a man to love someone in painful ways. Tough love. Paternal love.
Sarah is two and half years old. She shares her father’s clear blue eyes and bright smile. Like clouds surrounding a rainbow her blonde hair with its darker roots lies softly on her head and falls gently down the sides of her face. She is full of life and into everything. Her mother, frequently reprimanding her for making messes throughout the house, reluctantly scolds her. The innocence in her face cries for mercy. What does a mother say? She wraps up her precious daughter in a loving hug and helps her clean up the mess. A child at this age knows only two things, smiles and tears. There is no greater joy to a parent than to arouse one of those toothy smiles accompanied by an excited giggle. Conversely, you avoid at all costs anything that would tug the tears from those wide, trusting eyes.
Rob’s misty eyes silenced the barber shop. Clearly the barber’s friendly inquiry had incited an unexpected response.
Rob began, “Sarah has had a rough past couple of weeks. She came down with a fever about 3 weeks ago. We took her to the doctor and got some medicine for her. The pediatrician said that she would back to her boisterous self by the end of the week.”
“So what happened?” asked the barber.
“Well, turns out that Sarah is allergic to the medicine we got from the doctor.”
A single tear streamed down his cheek. The guys sitting, waiting for cuts with me sat rigid in their seats. Rob paused in an effort to gather himself.
He continued, “We gave her the medicine and put her to bed. I woke up the next morning and went to work. I had just pulled into the parking lot at the office when my wife called me. I couldn’t understand her at first, her voice was frantic and muffled by tears. I tried calming her. Finally, she spoke clearly. She told me that when she went to wake up Sarah she wasn’t breathing, her face was bluish…”
He broke off again. His emotions were full in his throat, choking out his words. Now there were more than just a few tears coming down his cheeks. The love for his daughter was evident in his tear filled eyes. The barber reached over to the counter and grabbed some tissues. Handing them to Rob he put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him and said quietly, “It’s alright Rob, take your time friend.”
Rob wiped his eyes and cheeks. He put on a brave smile to hide his embarrassment. He cleared his throat and continued, “Thanks Bud. Her face had turned blue and my wife didn’t know what to do. So I rushed home and we raced her to the emergency room. Luckily they were able to resuscitate her quickly before she had any brain damage.”
“That’s a relief!” the barber interrupted.
“I thank God that she’s still alive. At the hospital the doctor informed us of the allergy and told us that they put her in the ICU just to be safe. We expected Sarah to bounce back after a few days in the hospital but after two days things took a turn for the worse.”
“No.”
“The doctors were sure to check her for various other allergies and to be certain that in helping her out of the allergic reaction they didn’t trigger any new reactions. The problem was that they misdiagnosed her fever. Turns out it wasn’t just a regular fever.”
“What was it Rob?”
“I’m not exactly sure, some kind of virus. It started out in her stomach and then it spread. For a week the doctors couldn’t figure it out. My poor Sarah, lying in bed, looked at me one day and asked why her whole body hurt so much. Those trusting little eyes couldn’t hide the pain. She cried often during that week. The blue in her eyes nearly overwhelmed by the surging red from the constant crying. I had to look at my baby girl, and just put my arms around her. I couldn’t say anything to her that she would understand. The doctor walked in at the end of the week with his chart in hand. He told us the nurse would be in soon to administer some medication that would eradicate all of Sarah’s problems. They had finally pinned down the exact virus and had something that would clear everything up.”
“So she’s fine now, huh?”
“Well, she’s back home now; smiling as much as ever, but I’ll tell you what, the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life happened when that nurse walked into that small hospital room.”
“What happened?”
“My little girl was lying there, holding onto my hand, still red-eyed and scared. The nurse asked her to roll over on her side. She clenched my hand with her little fingers. Her lips were trembling and her eyes begged me to make everything better. I reached down and helped her roll over. She squeezed tighter and some tears of fear started to well up. The nurse pulled out a large needle and bent down to stick my baby. When Sarah saw the needle she cried out. Her screaming pierced me to the center. I wanted to step in front of the nurse, grab the needle and throw it out the window. I wanted to literally shove the nurse down or push her out of the room. What was she trying to do?? Could she not see past her nurses uniform or name tag? Sharon Hicks?? Couldn't she hear my little angel screaming in terror?? Sarah was squeezing my hand so tightly. Her little voice ran shrill as the nurse punctured her skin. She screamed out, ‘Daddy!’ and tears flooded the small hospital pillow. She cried endlessly, her sobs echoing through the small room, betrayal in every choked breath. How could I do this to her, those blue eyes were pleading for an answer. After all the pain she had felt the past week, the trauma, and now I stood by and let a stranger stab her. She rolled over, burying her face in the bed, betrayed by the only faces she really even recognizes, the ones she used to trust. How could she understand that in order to overcome all the pain of the previous week and a half she had to endure this momentary prick? There was no way to tell her, no way to make it better for the teary-eyed beautiful blonde baby of mine.”
The barber placed his hand on Rob’s shoulder. He was in tears again. The barber wiped a tear off of his own cheek. I could see the internal agony surfacing again; the struggle within a man to love someone in painful ways. Tough love. Paternal love.
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