North Korea - Getting there

Aug. 16, 2011
Take two. I'm sitting in the SFO airport terminal on the day I should have been arriving in Beijing and joining the delegation. I have been delayed two days because of a mix-up about my visa for China. I spent all day yesterday in San Francisco trying to get the Chinese Visa so that I could fly out tonight. Fortunately, though I will arrive two days late I will still be in time to join the group and travel to North Korea. As I sit here, the unknown that awaits me in the upcoming nine days has settled like a rock in the bottom of my stomach; half anxiety for what lies ahead and half excitement. North of that rock, my heart is aching as I leave my bride behind. I held her hand the entire car ride to the airport, savoring the last moments I could be near her for over a week. I love her so much! I miss her already as though I had been gone for years... I think I will be a different person after this experience. For as much as I've read and researched about North Korea, I feel that I am very naive about what I am about to do. For all my studying, I think this trip, this experience, will give me an entirely new education.

Aug. 18, 2011
Today I have traveled almost non-stop. Emergent travel I call it; always traveling and never arriving. I flew from SFO to Manilla and after a confusing wait in the airport for 5 hours I flew to Beijing. I was blessed to be able to sleep a bit on both flights. Once in Beijing, de-planing was very quick, but figuring out where to go from there proved challenging. I needed to somehow call the group I was to join to find out where I could meet them and how to get there. I didn't know how much money to change and what I should even change it in to. I felt very, very lost in a foreign country and no one seemed to be able to speak English. Finally, I found someone who could help me, tender mercy! Then, after communicating with the group I hopped a taxi and road for nearly an hour to a temple. Another tender mercy was that the cab driver didn't try to scam me as I had been warned was a frequent occurrence. At the temple I again tried to call the group to out exactly where they were, but no one would loan me a phone. I felt stranded. After about 15 minutes a bus showed up and after about a 28-30 hour trip, I was finally with the group. they had come there for a lunch, so I had lunch with them, lamb. I met several members of the group and quickly became accepted as a Korean expert. Since lunch, I spent most of my time trying to figure out the agenda without much success. We wandered around the city a bit, spending most of our time in traffic on the bus and maybe 30 minutes just walking up and down on street before going to dinner. Dinner consisted mostly of a variety of dumplings. Then we hopped back on the bus and drove to the train station. Apparently we are taking a sleeper train to the China-North Korean border where we will spend time tomorrow before flying to Pyongyang. Most of the people in the group seem to be more of the world traveler type rather than pure interest in Korea. I have had a few good conversations about North Korea as well as Korean language stuff. The people I find stimulating I can count on one hand though. I wish there was someway I could contact Emily and let her know that I'm alright. I wish I could share this with her - it would be so much more enjoyable with her here.

Aug. 19, 2011
We spent the entire night on the sleeper train, I was uncomfortable and woke up frequently through the night but the lack of sleep didn't really affect me throughout the day. We got off the train at about 7:30am and had a quick breakfast before getting on a bus and riding for more than 3 hours until we reached Dandong, a city on the Yalu river. We spent the day in Dandong, getting our appetites wet for actually going into North Korea tomorrow. We rode a small motorboat on the Yalu river right up to about 20-25 feet from the North Korean shore.  

There were guards with guns practically lining the coast line. There is an island in the middle of the river owned by the DPRK. As we drove by they were loading up a group of people in a raft-type boat to go to the island where there is a communal farm. We got close enough that I could see their faces. The faces of men chiseled with the determination of a person in search of the worker's paradise. A scowl stern enough to part the water where we floated. I put my hand in the water; water that is symbolic of the iron wall between North Korea and the world. We had dinner and then Kareoke with officials from Pyongyang who got us permission to even travel to North Korea in the first place. I couldn't help but observe their every move. They are real people, with real feelings and desires. I also got to call Emily today! I love her so much! The major takeaway from today is that in spite of a rough exterior, North Koreans are the same people I grew to love in the South. I am unceasingly amazed that across a very small river (one even I could swim across) there are men with guns keeping unwanted people out and many, many others in. Another thing that astounds me is that on the Chinese side of the river it is purely a tourist-town. People are taking advantage of the situation and scamming unsuspecting visitors with fake North Korean souvenirs. It disgusts me that people could try to make business out of a situation like this.

Waiting for the rice

The rice bowl always comes last
       at the table of the Dear Leader
Pour
     the
        drinks and
Serve the meat,
     but the rice is held till last.

The message is blatant and yet subtle:
                 Know your place like you
                 know your hunger,
   Freedom   lies   beyond   your   grasp.

A dusty child sweeps the dusty stone path
and the poor parent weeps
                               silently before the bronze statue and throne
Fear chokes their souls into submission.

Fed lies from their youth that bloat their stomachs -
       fanciful tales of paradise
Still, they sit at the Dear Leader's table,
waiting for the rice.

For more than 3 years...

She turned around and smiled, momentarily 시선을 맞았다.
 

눈빛이 가물가물하고 서로 사이에 뭔가 알려진 듯 쳐다보다가 수줍게 낯을 돌렸다.

The remnants of her 'smile shine' waft through the air, gently landing on me in waves.
 

Each crest rising and breaking on the shores of my heart.

Part III

Her life changed when he looked her in the eyes. For a year they spent their afternoons talking over their laptop screens and walking to classes shoulder to shoulder, the backs of their hands occasionally grazing. They were friends. She saw the future in his eyes and her goodness captured the imagination of his heart. Their friendship turned into love and their dreams turned into plans. Their love was everything a poet writes of and everything a ballad sings of. He was a man of patriotism, a believer that the United States was destined to be the ambassador of freedom to the heathen world. In part, it was his passion that had captured the imagination of her young heart. He loved her like he loved his country, both were infallible in nature and he felt that both were deserved privileges. His love of country brought him to enlist for a 3 year tour in the Middle East. His love for her brought him to ask her for a promise.

I love you. We were meant for this Chantelle. Promise me that you'll always love me and no other.

Brad, my heart...

She wiped a tear from her eye, forcing a smile.

I see in you all my happiness, I just want to be with you... But if you have to go...

She lept forward into his arms, holding him with all of her emotion. They held each other, she softly sobbing over her coming 3 year loneliness, he feeling only the fringes of Old Glory wrapped about him singing its gratitude for his coming service. Brad's only thoughts of their future centering around her being the one to welcome him home, showering him in honor.

And so Chantelle and Brad said their goodbyes, both anticipating the coming days and weeks and years. Brad anticipating the joy and satisfaction of serving that which he loved most in her uniform and with her weapon. Chantelle's anticipation was that of serving the man she loved by waiting for his return, wearing the promise of the remnant of his kiss on her cheek.

Her first love got into a car and rode away. Chantelle fought back tears while she walked back to her apartment. She went straight to her bed, grabbed a pillow, and bawled. The loneliness swelling into her throat, choking her sobs. Never had she experienced such severe pain. She physically hurt. Her body ached with loss. Her only love had been amputated and now she felt the hollow, missing limb. As excruciating as was her pain, was her love enduring.

No longer you

The Aftermath

I have a tear to shed for every piece of my broken heart

My heart, once full of love and joy, overflowing has burst in pain

My wish is to be with her and to let the tears wash away their stain.

There is no peace for a heart that aches, only the time it takes to heal

The yearning to have a whole heart once again and the touch of love to feel.

My heart aches to be with her and to hold her hand in mine, to feel the touch of her love and the warmth of her smile on my face again.

After the aftermath
I no longer love you
My memory is vivid of the feelings I once had
I long to be with the you of then, to have it all back again
I wish for the day your absence is filled
But I no longer love you.
I love your memory - you, of my past.
I haven't let go of her, nor will I.
But you are not my love
We are not together and I hold only a dream.

Victimized

I was the victim of a random act of violence when I was in the fourth grade. I remember it clearly; it was field day and I was excited to run in the three-legged race. I was standing with my friend discussing the qualities of laffy-taffy that made it superior to M & M's. It was a hot day in northern Alabama. Suddenly I felt a thump on my head and saw a kid running in the opposite direction. At first I thought it was a joke, perhaps someone I knew, perhaps an impromptu game of freeze-tag. I didn't recognize the boy, or at least the back of him, as he ran off. Then my friend told me, he hadn't just hit me in the back of the head. No, there was something in my hair. I reached back to feel the sticky blob which we quickly identified as none other than bubble gum! Immediately uncharitable thoughts for my attacker filled my fourth-grade mind. I wanted to chase him and somehow exact my revenge but he was long gone. Instead we told the nearest teacher of the incident and tried to find a way to extract the gum from my hair. Unfortunately all of our efforts were unsuccessful. When I got home that day I showed my mom. By this time humiliation had overcome me. I had been tagged the kid that got gummed at field day. My mom tried various means of bubble gum extraction including peanut butter, ice and other genius concoctions; nothing was working. She finally resorted to a comb and some scissors. She did her best not to leave me looking like I had a brush-in with a weed-wacker, which meant she had to use more comb than scissors. It was very painful and I cried. It hurt my mother to have to inflict the pain on me, probably more than it was hurting me. Nothing was done at school to catch the perpetrator. There was nothing much my friend and I could do to persuade the teacher to look into it much further. When my mother heard of this she took matters into her own hands. I heard her later telling my dad about how she marched into the Assistant Principle's office, demanding punishment while tearfully describing the scene in our bathroom at home where we both cried trying to get the gum out of my hair. The following day the assistant principle came into my classroom and asked me to come with her. I got my buddy to come along too since he had a better look at my attacker. We scowered all the other fourth grade classes to no avail. Then we moved to the fifth grade. After searching thoroughly and not finding him we decided to look one more time at each class. My friend and I examined the line-ups again and this time around I thought I spotted him. I couldn't be sure though. My friend however looked at the delinquent and affirmed that he was the culprit. Satisfied that we had the right student, the Assistant Principle took him into custody for punishment. I was never 100% certain that we had nabbed the right kid, but I believed my friend and let justice work its course.
Two years later mid-way through my 6th grade year we were preparing to go on a field-trip. All the students were very excited! A classmate of mine seemed particularly excited. He told me that this was the first time he would be able to go to this particular museum. The last time his class, in 5th grade, had planned to go he wasn't allowed to go for disciplinary reasons. That was two years ago because he had to repeat the 6th grade. He then told me, as though I already knew, that he couldn't go because he had stuck gum in my hair and that was the punishment. I had no idea it was the same boy that I was now friends with who had been my attacker! I was shocked, yet my previous uncertainty about whether we had targeted the right boy or not was now confirmed, by his own admittance.

The first thing she does

I adored her from a distance, safely, for the majority of my thoughts and dreams.

I hoped for the day when her smile would turn my way, when a soft gesture would imply she yearned for me too. Being near her and yet invisible is burdensome, nearly unbearable. I know how her cheeks curl leaving dimples when sees a dear friend. The gentle forming crows feet are pronounced as she embraces those she hasn't seen for a while. The first thing she does when she stands up is to slide her hands down her stomach and sides ironing out the wrinkles. She'll tuck the hair behind her ears, exposing a profile that begs her lover's kiss.

I finally shed my fears, abandoning my only safety net. As long as my love for her remained inside of me, she could never reject it. A scornful stuttering, "an, and what did you say your name was?" should never depart her lips. Her kindness temporarily stunned by this stranger stretching out an introduction in strained, disconnected phrases. Wanting so badly for that smile to return. Never able to communicate that she is the envy of every lakeside sunset, where reflection brings the glory of the sun, visible to both the heavens and earth. Yet her thoughts must be churning, not yet sure why she must endure this stammering. His hands uncertain whether they should hide in his pockets or exclaim in baritone unison, "I want to feel the texture of your soul!"

In a valiant attempt I've succeeded in scaring her; no, double that r, she will truly be scarred from this encounter. And what have I gained but an assurance that for some, love is an idea they hope to ponder and to others it is the fabric draped around the world.

In my defeat I turn away and sob a final thought: if her eyes could see my heart and feel the rush of love that courses through my veins for her. If she could hear the song I sing and the chorus that is her name. If I could mute the world and fill it poetry about her.

Then the touch, it could have healed a leper. My shoulder went from sagging forward to a battering ram. A shock wave of vitality ran through my spine. The bells on heaven's gates chimed clear. My name ran sweetly through the air. I turned in fear and gripped by doubt, this must be some mistake. The melody that sang my name became a warm embrace. Suddenly the thoughts and dreams that lay dormant in my heart were revived there on the spot. Her heart had yearned and plead for attention from one who felt the same. Indeed her dreams included me, though she had concealed them all along.

Governing Bodies

Sometimes my stomach enslaves my free will. Submission is survival. Sometimes my heart convinces me what my mind won't understand. However, my mind has had occasion to veto, too. The constitution of my governing bodies is simple. What I want is determined by?

A Letter to the Editor of Life

I used to fall asleep at night smiling.

I could've never see this coming as a kid.

I'm always hoping.

Sometimes life is what is happening right now,

Other times its what will happen next,

Sometimes its what isn't happening anymore,

Still other times its a swirling mist of the three.

I want to know how I make the decisions that I do. Good or Bad. In Other Words, How?

How can I be so inconsistent in my attempts to be consistent?

How do you not know what's good for you?

What's the deal with all these other people? I mean, is there some deal they got that I was never made aware where they don't have to think or be human?

I will always be human. Until I die?

The stars will always be a mystery no matter what you think.

I still fall asleep, just sometimes I fall asleep remembering that I used to fall asleep smiling. Sometimes that makes me smile, sometimes I oppose smiling.

Will we ever figure out this whole time thing?

Will I ever figure out why I can change my mind like a channel on TV?

Part II

After a bout with his Psychology test Thomas headed home. It was getting late. His thoughts drifted between Maslow and Pavlov, then to the puppy from the paint store that morning. He could have sword that its eyes nearly popped out when its owner squeezed it into silence. Sometimes it felt like college was like a make-up heavy old woman. Any original thoughts or sparks of creativity are squeezed into oblivion due to the mounting pressure of mid-terms, papers, homework, and a part-time job, not to mention a roller-coaster relationship with a girl who's mood changed as often as Thomas got hungry.

Hunger.

I'm hungry again.

Burrito Tuesday.

The thought brought a smile to his face.
Then a different. Why couldn't he share burrito Tuesday with Sara. He loved her, and yet he didn't share some of the simplest things in life with her. The things that made him smile.

She hates burritos.

She hates Mexican food.

She doesn't even like taco salad if it has the tiniest bit of salsa on it.

Do we have anything in common?

Anything at all?

Thomas thought about that as he walked. He tried to think of the last time he and Sara actually had a conversation about something other than being in school. They shared the same major - sports psychology. In fact, that is how they met. Thomas thought it was so cool that there was a girl taking the same sports psychology classes that he was. It didn't hurt that her blonde hair and California tan made her a real head turner. The first day of class that semester he decided that she would be his girlfriend. The first time they kissed he couldn't feel his feet he was so excited. That was back in September. Now, the first week of December, and he couldn't feel his feet because of the snow. Sara was still California tan, which come to find out was due to her weekly fake bake, something she wouldn't miss for anything, even an impromptu celebratory afternoon date after Thomas got accepted for the internship of his dreams. Sometimes she hurt him.

Sometimes it feels like I love her. Other times it feels like I've been standing all day on a hard floor with nowhere to sit down.

That night, after burrito Tuesday he dropped by Sara's apartment to say hi. She had her hair pulled up in a pony-tail, a U sweatshirt on and a pair of fitted sweat pants. Something about her casualness was so attractive. Somehow she turned frumpy into fashion. Just looking at her sent a fire through Thomas' whole being, a desire pull her into his arms and hold her close, ignoring the bustle of life around them.

Hi.

Hey, What are you doing here?  
I thought it was burrito Tuesday?
It certainly smells like burrito Tuesday...

The fluttering in Thomas' stomach turned to repulsion as the look on Sara's face twisted. He stepped into her apartment with some lame excuse about how he just wanted to see her tonight and could they maybe work on their homework together. A bit put out, Sara grudgingly agreed. She had grown to enjoy a night to relax by herself instead of having to stay in character while around her boyfriend. The two sat down and ended up watching tv rather than doing homework. Thomas took Sara's left hand while she flipped through the channels with the remote in her right hand.

A sadness loomed over his mind when he held her hand. He yearned to hold her, but the hand was all she ever made available. Even that felt reluctant. Not in the way she held his hand back, but in how she kissed him and the ways she never leaned her head on his shoulder during a movie. They spoke of love and more. He gazed upon her familiar face, never really knowing who she was. Both clinging onto what they hoped the other would someday become, denying the facts so plainly displayed in their lack of mutual affection. Even in his yearning there was illusion.

By now they were both pretending and only holding on for convenience and fear of solitude. What they had both fallen in love with was companionship and acceptance, not each other. Thomas knew it. Sara knew it. The unspoken agreement was finally being divulged tonight. They sat next to each other, stiff and afraid of what was next. The tragedy had begun when they deceived themselves and spoke the too often uttered words of love. They spent their kisses like carnival tickets. It is difficult to part with a friend you have suffered so much with, someone you have been through hell with. In this case, however, goodbye was their only gateway to the solitude that breeds joy and life. And so they said goodbye. He left her crying on the couch. Through her sobbing she obligatorily cried out one last time, don't go! and though he didn't leave the room right then, his heart had been gone for some time. A consoling arm and comforting embrace from a distant heart only adds to the pain. And yet, they were somehow closer in separation than all the days of their supposed love. Truth be told, he loved with a wholeness unmatched and unmeasured. Truth be told, it wasn't for her. She had intercepted his emotions for a time and now, realizing the farce, he had to move on.

Asleep that night, tangled in his sheets and faint dreams, his phone rang. He hadn't changed the personalized ring tone yet and the familiar sound that had always precluded their conversations made its way through the darkness. There was the temptation to let it go. Her voice was void of sadness. She knew it was late; that he was in bed was a forgone conclusion. Could she please see him just once more. The late night darkness overshadowed his judgment and he made his way against the chilly wind to her. Her silhouetted figure stood shivering in the breeze. An embrace, a look of passion in her eyes, a look that had been absent since the night they first kissed. They talked softly in the aftermath, both knowing this meeting was more a time for apologies than hope. Apologies for never having loved; apologies for not sitting facing, cheek to cheek, holding each others hearts. Appreciation for granting a vision of what it could mean to truly be whole through another; a vision yet to be made completely clear until the haze would begin to settle.

Part I

It was all dark at first. The haze settling thick, much like awaking from a dream in the early morning and not being sure if what you see is real or just an extension of a floating nighttime vision. All Thomas saw was an impression, a first impression. She looked kind. She was the one little children run to when they scrape their knees and they can't find their mom. Thomas did not then realize that when the haze lifted it would leave behind insurmountable pain. He walked away from her after their brief exchange thumbing the keys in his pocket. It would take about 10 minutes to walk home, another 30 to eat, shower and be out the door to make it to work on time. Life was leaving an unsettled aftertaste lately. Work classes girlfriend sleep. Often sleep was interrupted by said girlfriend. Oh, they loved each other, the way one loves a car that constantly breaks down; great when its running and cursed when it leaves you on the side of the road. Her name was Sara. The relationship wasn’t a junker, yet, perhaps it was just time for a trade-in. But how do you just trade-in someone you love like that. Despite being stranded roadside here and there he could never forget her or the joy they shared. Even behind the wheel of a newer model you never forget the feel of past loves. The memories forever protected by the junkyard dogs.

Thomas got home in 8 minutes flat. As he walked in the door he nearly collided with his roommate who was in a rush to Calculus class. The glasses that were perched beneath a blossoming uni-brow must have been what made the difference. In elementary school Thomas had wanted glasses-- convinced his IQ would consequently soar through the roof. Cursed 20/20 vision he thought as his mother pulled him from the showcase of frames. Already he had the perfect ones picked out. Light and wire-rimmed. A sharp, intelligent look. It seemed to him that he already knew all the answers on an upcoming test. And now, 15 years later, there wasn't a math bone in his body; cursed 20/20 vision. Often he regretted not cheating on the eye test, faking the last line, maybe even the last two for emphasis' sake. Oh the genius that could have been! Now it was up to the Lyle Cormwicks of the world to fight terrorism with equations and derivatives. They smiled and greeted one another in passing. They would rehash the events of the day later in front of the fishbowl on the coffee table, no doubt through mouthfuls of their traditional Tuesday night microwavable burritos.
Thomas mechanically ate, showered, and got dressed for work, all the while there was a cloud settling over his mind. Something was tugging at his unconscious, something was nestling itself into the folds of his future, he was changing.

The paint fumes at work left him feeling dizzy. He mostly just delivered it to local contractors, got their signatures and drove off to the next job site for the next delivery. However, sometimes when there weren't many deliveries to make, Thomas got to hang around the store and mix paint to match colors. That afternoon a plump old woman came into the store, her eccentric makeup enough to pass as a Joker look-a-like. Tucked partly under her arm and partly into a folded stomach roll was a puppy. It chirped all the way to the front desk until a not so gentle squeeze quieted its bark. She set the pup on the counter and then came her request, in full blown smoker's rumble, scratchy voice and all,

I need some paint for my puppy dog's room. Its gotta match her coat.... exactly!

What a time for the real employees to either be on their lunch break or humming softly, waiting to finish their business in the commode. Thomas wanted to tell her that he just delivers the stuff off, that he wasn't a technician. Her tone, however, didn't imply she was ready to be patient with the likes of a twenty-something year old college kid.

So to match a color you have to physically take a sample of it, i.e. a chip of paint, strip of cloth or maybe even a chunk of something unidentifiable. You take the sample and place it beneath a scanner that is connected to a computer. Special computer software analyzes the components of the sample and produces a recipe of sorts, a type of chemical equation that can be followed to make the match. The paint technician then selects the right base paint, be it a semi-gloss or flat paint, gloss or satin, then he adds a specific number of drops of tint according to the recipe. Finally, the tech will put the container of paint in the mixer. The mixer clutches the bucket and shakes it like a seven year old trying to get that last nickel out of the piggy bank. The whole process is quite scientific and yet relatively simple thanks to the software. However, there is a great deal of experience needed to make a perfect match. Often, the recipe will get it close, but the technician has to add a dab of this and a drop of that to get it just right. Not exactly something the delivery boy has actually been successful at before.

And there he sat; just hoping the phone wouldn't ring, holding down the fort until the real technicians returned from their various mid-afternoon distractions and in walks the Joker and her little dog too. Match the paint to the mutt’s fur?!? He screamed so loud in his mind that his ears were ringing. What did she expect me to do? Hold that rat under the scanner? Yank a chunk of its fur out and analyze it with a magnifying glass? Absurd requests always seem to find their way to my plate. He tried to stare her down, in hopes that an extended glare would somehow send the telepathic message that she was insane and persuade her pick up her puppy and leave. It must be all that make-up sinking into her skin, he thought, absorbed through her pores, stream-lined to the blood and sent gushing to her brain that makes her so intolerable. Then a stroke of genius:

What kind of base did you want that in?

A semi-gloss.

I'll be right back; we keep our semi-glosses in the back of the store.

He escaped to the back to wait for Batman to come to the rescue. Luckily a co-worker returned within about five minutes, still humming his tune. He eyed the dog momentarily and whipped up a concoction with some tints and a semi-gloss stored right next to the front desk. He told Thomas to put it the shaker while he scratched the dog behind ears and made small talk with the villainous old woman. I just drive he kept thinking to myself. I just drive.

Thomas clocked out and headed back to campus. He was on his way to the testing center for the psychology mid-term. He began to review in his mind the material he had been studying that morning. His thoughts plodded from one thing to another. Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the pyramid shape they formed, the Egyptian head drawn in the margin of the girl's notes he had borrowed. Her smile and gracious aura when he returned them to her a half hour before he left for work earlier that day. The haze was thinning.

Too Crowded For Emptiness

My phone rang in the middle night.

It sits right beside my head so I can shut off the alarm as soon as possible.

Dreams sometimes envelop the reality around your bed.

The ringing phone, for example, became the song I was listening to while chasing the robber out of a fish tank. Well, I suppose I was swimming after the robber. For all I know I was probably flying after the robber with wings made of loose imagination. Nevertheless, the phone was ringing. The urgency I felt to catch the criminal made me ignore the music and continue my pursuit. Then, my conscious brain wrapped it's fingers around the dream and squeezed it until I realized that there was no robber, no fish tank. Now there was only the caller who was robbing me of my sleep.

I threw back the blankets in a hurry; I didn't want the caller to think they had woken me up by letting it ring too long. Too late. 1 missed call. Who could it have been? Should I bother looking? Doesn't matter who it is, I'm not calling back until morning anyway... Unless its an emergency. Then maybe I should check... just in case it is an emergency... In case maybe.. it was the robber.. fishing wings.. of swim tank...

1 New Voicemail!
I'm awake again...

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to just listen to the voicemail, figure out who it is, and then decide if it can wait until morning.

The automated voice blared momentarily, "You have one unheard message."
So I've heard.
"Message one:"

The blood in my veins stopped instantly. I knew this voice. Soft and familiar. It had once brought tears to my eyes. Symphonies have been written trying to match its melody, yet fallen short. And now is my dream-soaked mind fabricating this too? Will the fish tank suddenly implode and turn into jello squares that recite poetry from prison? This isn't my mind. This is reality. This is music. Or perhaps pain. The last time I heard this voice it was pain. The sharpness of it still fresh in the muscle memory of my heart. Still trained to skip a beat when I hear the voice, in an effort to spare the pain.

"Hello. I know you must be asleep... Its been a long time since we talked last. I've talked myself out of this for a long time now. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have called... I understand if you don't return this call... I

I need to tell you something. I won't be able to sleep until we can talk... Just for a few minutes... I know... I'm sorry. Please call me back."

Just like that. Back into my life. Her last plea drifted back and forth in my mind like a feather in the breeze, not coming to rest, just rocking back and forth. I'd rather it had been a dream. I'd rather not live this reality. The soft melodies are replaced now. Instead of summer symphonies, winter coats stained from the dirty snow covered roadsides. My life is different now, there is no room for past mistakes. It's too crowded for the emptiness.

The Inner Side of Expression

On the eve of the explosion, in the quietness, there was a thirst for noise.
The universe needed a Big Bang.
There was too much nothing and the void needed something .
The emptiness was intended to be filled, the galaxy dust yearned to spread its arms around space. Absence was intolerable. The void invited the bang.

Without the void there would have been no Big Bang.
Without the Big Bang there would have been no void.

Now embracing one another, their beauty spattered across the sky.
Stars clamour back and forth sharing their affection publicly.
The darkness only visible as it hugs the bright satellites.
The contrast evokes character and smiles.

Looking up into a dark night sky
The fireworks stuck to the ceiling and the moon looking on with one eye shut.
One can't help but to read the stories on display.
To see the action, the drama and romance.
You reach out to insert yourself into the plot,
Unify with the Universe.

I'm Quite Poetic as I Dream

Third time is a charm, a lucky charm; which means you should have 3 bowls of cereal for breakfast before taking a test or before requiring luck, ever. How lucky do you have to be? Or do coincidences count? Coincidences have taught me a lot about luck. Coincidentally, luck has taught me a lot about nothing. Consider this irony:
I met a girl I didn't know
yet loved her my whole soul over
She was the silhouette of my desires
and from her hand
came the brush strokes
of my dreams.
The shadow cast then darkened
the painting in my mind
and when the light shone bright again the flowers had wilted dry
Once bright petals
faded remain
a reminder of what was


Again I met a girl I didn't know
and she loved more than I returned
in her eyes
I painted beauty and danced true joy
she hung on my every word
Illusions were the medicine
healing both our hearts
Both seeing what we wanted
and believing what we saw


Another petal hits the ground
it bursts into darker colors
Two
Loves
are hung on brittle hopes
Neither recompensing

Whose love will last
or be dispelled?
Both go on un-squelshed
and pending
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Is there something lucky about love? Fortunate? Even coincidental? Ironical?
Tell me what causes it.

Chinese Poem

天星

每夜中眺於星旻
星漸次諸創杳晨
吾之來夢杳星同
夜中來去一時賓


하늘의 별
밤마다 하늘의 별을 바라보고 있어
별은 하나하나 새벽 빛에 사라진다
나의 미래의 꿈은 마찬가진데
밤에 갔다오는 일시적 소님이다


Stars that fade
Each night I gaze to heaven
Slowly, the stars disappear by morning
So with my dreams of the future
They come and go as a visitor in the night

Loving betrayal

I sat in the barber shop this morning waiting for a haircut. It's been a little over a month and my hair was getting annoyingly long and shaggy. Just to the length where it falls awkwardly down my forehead and the disheveled sides scraggle over my ears, the grey hairs showing through just slightly. The grey hairs are the primary signal that a cut is in order; a fresh cut burying them away for at least another three or four weeks. There was a man sitting in the chair engaged in conversation with the barber. He was in his mid to late thirties, balding slightly with glasses. The barber called him by name as they chatted. His clear blue eyes spoke to me the moment I saw him. There was character in his eyes, a kind purity in them. They talked comfortably with one another; starting with pleasantries, moving to recent comings and goings and then something unexpected. The barber asked about Sarah. Rob's eyes moistened. As he spoke, his eyes seemed to be doing the talking, articulating his every emotion. This was clearly unexpected for the barber as well. The elevated chair, smell of shaving cream and pictures of hot rods hanging on the walls certainly wasn't the place most men, if any, talked about their feelings.
Sarah is two and half years old. She shares her father’s clear blue eyes and bright smile. Like clouds surrounding a rainbow her blonde hair with its darker roots lies softly on her head and falls gently down the sides of her face. She is full of life and into everything. Her mother, frequently reprimanding her for making messes throughout the house, reluctantly scolds her. The innocence in her face cries for mercy. What does a mother say? She wraps up her precious daughter in a loving hug and helps her clean up the mess. A child at this age knows only two things, smiles and tears. There is no greater joy to a parent than to arouse one of those toothy smiles accompanied by an excited giggle. Conversely, you avoid at all costs anything that would tug the tears from those wide, trusting eyes.
Rob’s misty eyes silenced the barber shop. Clearly the barber’s friendly inquiry had incited an unexpected response.
Rob began, “Sarah has had a rough past couple of weeks. She came down with a fever about 3 weeks ago. We took her to the doctor and got some medicine for her. The pediatrician said that she would back to her boisterous self by the end of the week.”
“So what happened?” asked the barber.
“Well, turns out that Sarah is allergic to the medicine we got from the doctor.”
A single tear streamed down his cheek. The guys sitting, waiting for cuts with me sat rigid in their seats. Rob paused in an effort to gather himself.
He continued, “We gave her the medicine and put her to bed. I woke up the next morning and went to work. I had just pulled into the parking lot at the office when my wife called me. I couldn’t understand her at first, her voice was frantic and muffled by tears. I tried calming her. Finally, she spoke clearly. She told me that when she went to wake up Sarah she wasn’t breathing, her face was bluish…”
He broke off again. His emotions were full in his throat, choking out his words. Now there were more than just a few tears coming down his cheeks. The love for his daughter was evident in his tear filled eyes. The barber reached over to the counter and grabbed some tissues. Handing them to Rob he put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him and said quietly, “It’s alright Rob, take your time friend.”
Rob wiped his eyes and cheeks. He put on a brave smile to hide his embarrassment. He cleared his throat and continued, “Thanks Bud. Her face had turned blue and my wife didn’t know what to do. So I rushed home and we raced her to the emergency room. Luckily they were able to resuscitate her quickly before she had any brain damage.”
“That’s a relief!” the barber interrupted.
“I thank God that she’s still alive. At the hospital the doctor informed us of the allergy and told us that they put her in the ICU just to be safe. We expected Sarah to bounce back after a few days in the hospital but after two days things took a turn for the worse.”
“No.”
“The doctors were sure to check her for various other allergies and to be certain that in helping her out of the allergic reaction they didn’t trigger any new reactions. The problem was that they misdiagnosed her fever. Turns out it wasn’t just a regular fever.”
“What was it Rob?”
“I’m not exactly sure, some kind of virus. It started out in her stomach and then it spread. For a week the doctors couldn’t figure it out. My poor Sarah, lying in bed, looked at me one day and asked why her whole body hurt so much. Those trusting little eyes couldn’t hide the pain. She cried often during that week. The blue in her eyes nearly overwhelmed by the surging red from the constant crying. I had to look at my baby girl, and just put my arms around her. I couldn’t say anything to her that she would understand. The doctor walked in at the end of the week with his chart in hand. He told us the nurse would be in soon to administer some medication that would eradicate all of Sarah’s problems. They had finally pinned down the exact virus and had something that would clear everything up.”
“So she’s fine now, huh?”
“Well, she’s back home now; smiling as much as ever, but I’ll tell you what, the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life happened when that nurse walked into that small hospital room.”
“What happened?”
“My little girl was lying there, holding onto my hand, still red-eyed and scared. The nurse asked her to roll over on her side. She clenched my hand with her little fingers. Her lips were trembling and her eyes begged me to make everything better. I reached down and helped her roll over. She squeezed tighter and some tears of fear started to well up. The nurse pulled out a large needle and bent down to stick my baby. When Sarah saw the needle she cried out. Her screaming pierced me to the center. I wanted to step in front of the nurse, grab the needle and throw it out the window. I wanted to literally shove the nurse down or push her out of the room. What was she trying to do?? Could she not see past her nurses uniform or name tag? Sharon Hicks?? Couldn't she hear my little angel screaming in terror?? Sarah was squeezing my hand so tightly. Her little voice ran shrill as the nurse punctured her skin. She screamed out, ‘Daddy!’ and tears flooded the small hospital pillow. She cried endlessly, her sobs echoing through the small room, betrayal in every choked breath. How could I do this to her, those blue eyes were pleading for an answer. After all the pain she had felt the past week, the trauma, and now I stood by and let a stranger stab her. She rolled over, burying her face in the bed, betrayed by the only faces she really even recognizes, the ones she used to trust. How could she understand that in order to overcome all the pain of the previous week and a half she had to endure this momentary prick? There was no way to tell her, no way to make it better for the teary-eyed beautiful blonde baby of mine.”
The barber placed his hand on Rob’s shoulder. He was in tears again. The barber wiped a tear off of his own cheek. I could see the internal agony surfacing again; the struggle within a man to love someone in painful ways. Tough love. Paternal love.

the Top-Soil

I believe there are words buried in us all. Whether we write them down or speak them or whether we plan them out elaborately just to conceal them in a moment of fear or shame or doubt. These words form the story we want to tell; the story defined by our deepest emotions and clearest memories. Some people tell a funny story, others tell sad ones of loss and buried pain, still others talk in circles, never telling their story at all, simply avoiding the truth they haven't told themselves yet. In one way though everyone's story shares a common element, we all tell a story about ourselves. Selfish you say. That is the only story I can really tell convincingly, that is really the only story I know. I may adapt it to be more exciting or suspenseful but, in the end, its just about me. Selfish? Only if I don't convey the story in a way to capture you, in a way that makes it your own experience, your own life as well.
Mine is a love story. I hate to admit it. Love is why we live; to get it, to give it, to feel it more. A string of thoughts connected by conjunctions and punctuation in my mind, pulled together in my waking hours, and exquisitely portrayed on my dream's canvas in the night; all a painting of love. A painting yet to be uttered. How does one speak art? Would you know Michelangelo if you heard it or read it? Even now the words I have inside me are buried beneath the words that you are reading. I'm telling you about them without telling them directly to you. Michelangelo simply peeled away the outer layers of the stone to reveal the image underneath. Forthcoming posts will determine if I can shovel away the earth to reveal the words, the story, the love? buried within me.

Samplings of my poetry and a short story

This is a poem about my Ganglion cyst, located on top of my right wrist. Written when I was 14 or 15 years old.

Ganglion Cyst
People are always asking about this bump on my wrist
How many times do I have to tell them it’s a Ganglion cyst?
Indians used to have them so you could say that they are tribal
If you think its ugly then just smack it with a Bible
When people started staring I’d slip it in my pocket
And just because it fit, I’d put it in my eye socket
I always joked that I was growing knuckle #6
But then Frony grabbed a Bible and took a couple licks
The procedure was painless, I didn’t feel a thing
Except for the Good Book and a mighty giant sting
Before I knew it one wrist was like the other
I missed it so much I felt like crying to my mother
What people called a deformity I called a gift
My little miracle was a boost, an uplift
Everyone was jealous though they claimed that they were not
It even helped me to improve my jump shot
So now that it’s dead and gone, I don’t know what to do
My jump shot has disappeared, but the gawking quit too
My eye feels naked without its protective shield
The Bible is supposed to save people, but to me it didn’t yield
It came crashing down with all its mighty force
It took my cyst away like taking glue from a horse
I’ve strived to grow a new one, I really have tried
But I’ll live my life cystless and Ganglion deprived.

This is a Shijo (Korean form of poetry) that I wrote. Inquire within for the translation:

떠나간 마음
마음이 떠나갔으니 이생에 가치 있나
눈물이 사라졌어도 흉터가 남아있네
새벽에 빛나는 해가 어둠에서 앞선다.

I wrote this a long time ago when I was in High School about a girl who was hitting on me while riding the bus home:

MCfilthy Experience
The load on my shoulders goes on the seat
I pull out my ears and prop up my feet
Losing myself and winding down, the bus rides away.
Bouncing behind me is a twisted leach throwing out her poison, trying to catch another stallion
I put down the cereal ice-cream as the leach tried putting the hook in
I ain't the fish to be caught, so get off the bus
Next rolling session and there's the filthy leach
Elaboration on her fishing poles and I nod, I nod my head while I'm complaining inside
The yellow mobile is where the leach attacks, I can take that.
But holding on a minute she's taken my arm
She's adding to her fish farm
She's the large mouth leach and filthy at that, if she says that again I'm gonna grab a metal bat
H + B is false
I'll write it on the walls
She tries playin with my mind, she gets so unkind, being blind, not knowing that I'm holding the strings.
She's a psuedo-empty bucket all melted inside, mad amounts of spoons and nasty house flies.
The filthy bus leach tried attaching to me, I burnt her off with a match but I still haven't got free.
The Argentine Chocolate growls loud at the parasite.
On the scheme of wheels I'll look into the light, excuse myself from the table and melt the spoon outta sight.

This is a two part story that I wrote during my leisure time as an Intern at LG Electronics:

Gilbert’s Tale
Once upon a time there was a fish named Gilbert, people just called him Bert for short (funny, I'd probably call him Gil for short, I mean, he is a fish, but anyway, that's what people called him) And Bert didn't read very well because when paper gets soggy it eventually disintegrates and gets to become a useless mess of pulpy matter. So Bert looked for stuff coated in plastic (or more commonly known to us landlubbers as 'laminated') However, poor Bert could only find menus from local restaurants that were plastic coated and all the local restaurants were seafood places and so when he would read them it was horrifying to him! So that is why Gil... I mean Bert didn't read very well, it gave him nightmares. So instead of reading Bert would practice the fine art of twirling sand into little funnel sand clouds on the bottom of the ocean floor. Then one day an otter saw Bert artistically expressing himself in the sand and ate him. Bert was only 3 weeks old.
Think that's the end of the story?
You thought wrong; Bert was a resilient little fella. So he twirled the Otter's innards right up into a beautiful array gut tornado and the Otter thought it was so wonderfully imaginative that he let Bert free! As a new man (or fish actually) Bert changed his name to Gil as was his destined fate to begin with and never had otter problems again. He then spent his days doing service in the underwater mental institution for marine life gone psycho. What a big heart.
The End :)

Gilbert at the Tute
Gilbert awoke suddenly to the sound of gurgled throat clearing. 6 hours at the Underwater Mental Institution for Marine Life Gone Psycho (UMIMLGP) or as Gil liked to call it, the Tute, and who wouldn’t be choking a throat gurgle? Well, Gil wouldn’t be and he wasn’t, it was the creature under his care sitting opposite of him. Gil had spent hours staring at this creature’s features. For example, the wrinkles surrounding his fins that seemed to be the lips on a catfish, screaming for help, “Please save me from this giant flapper thing that is moving back and forth crushing my lips! Mmmm, tastes kinda delicious.” This creature’s mouth was very small. Gil often wondered how he sang so well with such a small mouth. Gil had lots of time for wondering because he had such a good imagination. “My imagination is so good”, he always thought to himself, and by ‘always’ I mean every moment not spent wondering, using his imagination; which is why its so surprising that Gil got the UMIMLGP award for best diver/mental patient care facilitator. Not that he ever facilitated mental patient diving lessons, but that he was a skilled diver. Gil could often be found imagining himself diving deeper and deeper into the ocean, and then deeper. Sometimes he imagined himself diving shallower, but ne’er once had he successfully executed such a maneuver, even in his mind. The creature before him, under his watchful facilitated care cleared its throat again, this time minus gurgle, plus hacking wurple. Gil braced himself. The creature’s mouth gaped open wide, exposing his viciously jagged tongue. You see the creature had tried eating metal scraps discarded in the great deep only to realize that sharded metal disfigures ones tongue when its sharp parts are pressed too firmly against it as is a side effect of chewing. It also lost its one and only tooth in the process, thus rendering it insane and in need of mental facilitation. Fortunately the Tute’s finest mental diver was there to assist. There was a deathly silence post hacking wurple that caused Gil to ponder the vastness of the ocean and the depths of his wondering mind. He was doing an ocean of good at the UMIMLGP, but with his skills, he could be doing so much more than tending insane toothless fragmented tongued creatures with small mouths and a future in show business. No, he could be spending his time in much more meaningful ways, such as saving those wrinkled lips from delicious imminent and utter destruction. So Gil promptly swam head first into the creature’s fin rendering it paralyzed and aiding the imaginary lips. Then as the creature gathered its remaining forces of strength to retaliate Gil burst upward shallowly diving for the first time ever, up and away in a beautiful array of motion and lights and bubbles! He was on a mission; he was off to wonder no more where no fish hadn’t wondered before.

Not my Poetry (Shijo)

Murmuring Stream

A night ago the mountain stream shed tears as it flowed sadly
Reflecting on my lover's death t'was his tears sent flowing to me
That water too my tears may bear upstream to he who left me.
- Won Ho
(Translation by Bryce Johnson)


간밤에 우던 여흘

간밤에 우던 여흘 슬피 울어 지내거다
이제야 생각하니 임이 울어 보내도다
저 물이 거스리 흐리과저 나도 울어 보내리라.
-원 호(元昊)


A Loyal Heart
Jung Mongju (1337-1392)
(Translated by Bryce Johnson)

Though I die and die again, revived and killed a hundred times
Bleached white bones return to dust, though my soul perish or go on
No part of my heart, loyal to the end, will ever turn away from my Lord!

단심가 (丹心歌)
정몽주 (鄭夢周 1337-1392)

이몸이 죽고죽어 일백번 고쳐죽어
백골이 진토되어 넋이라도 있고 없고
임향한 일편단심이야 가실 줄이 있으랴

Shackles and Fetters

There is a love that binds so tightly it suffocates your impurities.
Somehow it leaves you with only one thought-- she. is. _______.
Then there is that word that you only feel for her, that isn't actually expressed. There probably hasn't been a word articulated by man's tongue except for love, and that doesn't nearly equate to that feeling. This feeling or emotion actually binds my heart to her, it confines my thoughts to her and embraces her in a way that discards everything but her pure goodness and ________. That word again. It is a compelling word, it compels me to act, to do everything I can to show or express that word somehow. Too often I'm left however not expressing it. I'm left to simply feel it and cry out silently "________". Why would we be allowed to feel things and not be allowed to express them? Is there a more frustrating mortal limitation? Is there something more mortal than to feel these emotions and something more human than to desire to express them? Why then the unbreachable limitation between the two, the human and the mortal. This wouldn't be such a problem if she felt the same way of course. Then we could just both revel in our inexpression together. We would cry out silently in beautiful harmony, written by our hearts and sung by our lives but never uttered, only felt. Our bodies have 3 separate feeling/sensory organs. The first is the skin. It feels needle pricks and cold wet floors as well as sunburns and sitting too long on hard surfaces. The second is the heart. Here you feel heartburn, heart attacks, and other pain associated with running too fast or exercising too hard after years of laziness followed then too quickly by sudden bursts of motivation to get into shape. That is all that can be felt by this organ despite every poets misguided pen. The third organ is deeper than the skin yet superficial to the innards. It resides somewhere between the mind and the imagination. This organ feels warm embraces and kind deeds accompanied by a smile and twinkling eye. This is where ________ lives. No wonder most people don't know about this third organ. There isn't a way to describe it let alone describe what it holds, so why even go there? I go there because that's where I find her. She is always there. I can count on her presence there, like it or not. Mostly like it, except when I remember that she isn't anywhere else, the only remnant of her existence is there and I can't even tell anyone about it because what would I say? "_________"? Not very effective, I know, I've tried. I tried saying that to her once before she left. I tried saying it with time, with a hug, with an affectionate touch. All of which failed; she didn't hear my third organ screaming out "I ________ you!" I even tried sarcasm, which is often used to emphasize how strongly I mean the opposite... surprisingly that failed too. For now, until that expression makes itself known, perhaps through other organs more relevant, that emotion will just have to remain buried in words.